Right now, that's a good word to describe things.

There's nothing going on.

UGH.

Birthday's soon. I feel somewhat older.

I want my next birthday after that to be here though. I'm tired of this boring-azz life, I'm tired of not being important or being significant or mattering to anybody. I want to be in the military, whether I'm doing good or bad things, it's at least a change from the way things are here.

It's at least something different.

I'm tired of waking up every day to the same gray fucking sky. I'm tired of feeling the same, cold, clammy, washed-over feeling on my skin. I'm tired of living this life with people I don't even really know, with the people I really care about miles and miles away from me, all in different places. I'm tired of having virtually no memories to look back on. I want to live. I want to be Human. Not this marketed product bought and sold at a drugstore then recycled and traded off again as if I were no different then before.

I want it all to change. For the better or worse, I don't even care which is which anymore.

Life is a fucking orgy of madness and insanity, so why should my life be any different? Why does it have to be like this?

Are they preparing me?

To live without remorse?
To live without a purpose?
To live without thought?



Deprived of a happiness I could only ever dream and fantasize about.

But isn't that the story with all of them? My failures are most apparent when I look in the mirror and see the eyes that I once looked into with love staring back at me with hatred. Because I left it. I left it standing there without even ever fucking saying goodbye.

Confined to a life where others live in this passive-aggressive horseshit that rules everything. No one wishes to confront one another about things, and why not? Your emotions lay dormant like unused keys in a house full of locked doors. And they only rust with time.

How do things ever get accomplished?

Wading in this world where everyone's morals and disciplines are forgotten in the great race to appease the emptiness of the void of a pseudo-existent specter that lingers over everything like a future that never was.

Am I condemned to a life of loving a person whom I feel no attraction to? Like the shadow that is my father?
Am I restrained to doing something that I truly do not wish to do?
Like the memories of my friends?
Am I damned to walk this world of broken empires and ruined dynasties?
Like so many before me?

Am I?

Am I just a machine? Am I a man?

Or better yet, is this a man?

If this is a man.

Then let me be a monster.

I have no way to word these thoughts. All of these...random sparks in the fires of my life's massive inferno of self-esteems.


I am.

Yet what I am none cares or knows.

My friends forsake me like a memory lost,

I am the self-consumer of my woes.


Must I linger here? In these dead fields? In these gray-slate cities where the signs only point to the pussies and dicks of a civilization filmed on a pornographic tape?

I long for lands where nature was never defiled by the hands of mankind. Or skies never polluted by his ignorance, or even by the arrogance of the laws of physics.

I long for scenes where my emotion walks the land not unlike a herd of beasts.

And most importantly, I long for her.

Whoever she is.

Whether she is embodied in the tomb of my memories, or in the mausoleum of tomorrow's day, I wish she would show herself unto me. Whether it is the love I have always adored, or the woman worn in the cloth of a new sun or new moon, I truly do wish I could find them, so I could finally be at peace.

And if I should not be able to find them?

THEN SEND ME A SIGN.

I wish to know if I ever find someone I will ever love!
For if I cannot, then surely I can find someone I will hate!

I long to not wander! I long to not travel anymore! I am tired of this war that I have fought with myself for so long!

I WISH TO STOP THE ANXIETY!

I WISH TO END THIS WAR!

I WISH TO FIND YOU!

I WISH TO FIND A HOME.

...A....

....Home...

.....


That's all I want.

That's all I fucking want.